As this issue goes to press, Christians throughout the world will be gearing up to retell one another the story of the first Christmas. I see no reason for Free Inquiry to be any different, so here goes.
No, not that first Christmas. I’m well aware that, centuries before the Common Era, Saturnalia laid the groundwork for modern Christmas observances. And I concede that Saturnalia was probably a lot more fun, what with a week of drunken debauchery and all. But today’s focus is not Saturnalia. It is the birth of Jesus as relayed by eyewitnesses Matthew and Luke.
Except, well, Matthew and Luke weren’t exactly eyewitnesses. All they did was write down decades-old Jesus lore. Oh, and their names weren’t exactly Matthew and Luke. Tradition pulled all four gospel authors’ names from its hat. It may also have pulled Jesus from its hat, and not just his name.
But aside from all that, we can have a high degree of confidence in the historicity of the gospel accounts.
Our story begins with a young, betrothed Galilean woman who was, er, late. The father, she claimed, was none other than God. This was most assuredly the case and not something she cooked up, merely because back then it was a capital crime for an unmarried woman to have sex. Her betrothed bought the story. Even more remarkable, so have gazillions of Christians ever since.
Fast-forward to a peaceful evening some nine months hence, when a choir of angels bust upon and scared the daylights out of unsuspecting shepherds. After a change of underwear, the shepherds traveled to the town of Bethlehem, where, in a lowly stable, the new parents had laid their sleeping infant in a feed-trough. (“Hey, we’re hungry,” protested the animals. “So, eat around him,” answered the parents.) Modern Christians prefer the synonym manger, because fighting for a “feed-trough scene” on government land sounds silly.
Meanwhile, a moving star led an indeterminate number of wise men to the same feeding trough. There the wise men fell down, worshipped the baby, and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. This shows what passed for wise in those days. They could have brought a crib, Pampers, and onesies.
The new parents named their child Jesus, which, “Matthew” tells us, fulfilled an important prophecy from the Book of Isaiah: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Jesus.”
Just kidding! Isaiah prophesied that they’d call him Immanuel. According to New Testament scholars, the author figured that anyone willing to buy the impregnated-by-God thing would also be willing to buy “Jesus” and “Immanuel” as the same name.
The news that a virgin had just given birth to the king of the Jews soon reached Herod the Great, who had been under the impression that he was the king of the Jews. Not thrilled at the prospect of a usurper, he engaged God in a war of wits. Herod’s opening move was to ask the wise men to report the child’s location. God countered by warning the wise men in a dream not to comply. Next, with the definition of newborn apparently lost on him, Herod ordered the execution of every child in Judaea under the age of two. God thwarted that one by sending Jesus and his parents to Egypt. Thus, Jesus survived, and God won the war of wits, provided you’re willing to count letting Herod proceed with mass infanticide in Judaea as a win.
Do not lose sleep wondering why God protected Jesus but not the other children. For one thing, please refer to the escape clause in God’s contract (Article III, Section 7, “Mysterious Ways”). For another, God was an accomplished mass murderer in his own right. He’d once drowned every human on Earth save eight, once wiped out all of Egypt’s firstborns, and several times ordered the annihilation of entire municipal populations, cattle included. It’s not inconceivable that he would have extended Herod a bit of professional courtesy.
Likewise, do not lose sleep grieving for the bereaved parents. They’ve had two millennia to get over it. They probably had other kids (also dead by now). And they have the assurance that their murdered kids are in heaven, purgatory, or hell, depending on which Christian you ask.
Not to be overlooked, “Matthew” also points out, is that the slaughter fulfilled Jeremiah’s prophecy about Rachel weeping for her children. (Obviously, all moms in Judaea were named Rachel.) God had to let it happen because Jeremiah prophesied it, and Jeremiah had to prophesy it because God was going to let it happen. If you think that’s circular, you obviously don’t get Bible logic.
I hope this brief refresher has cleared up any question as to why, at this time of year, Christians keep decorated pine trees indoors, exchange gifts, rage at displays that say “Happy Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings,” and boycott Starbucks because its holiday cups aren’t Jesus-y. Nothing says “peace on earth” like getting mad at people for Christmasing wrong.