The Divine Contract | Free Inquiry

From time to time in this space, I have alluded to the Abrahamic god’s contract. In response to incessant, nonexistent reader demand, I obtained the most recent version of said contract and secured exclusive permission to publish it in Free Inquiry. Aren’t you glad you subscribe?

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Preamble

1. The purpose of this Agreement is to establish and maintain an eternal relationship between God (hereinafter “God”) and mere mortals (hereinafter “Mortal” or “Mortals”).

Article I

Gods

2. Other gods (e.g., Baal, Zeus, Trump) and quasi-gods (e.g., angels, saints, the devil) must settle for a lowercase g.

3. Jesus is technically a demi-god, but he’s still God.

3a. The Holy Spirit is God too.

3b. And yet there are not three Gods but one God.

3c. It’s complicated.

4. God is omnipotent.

4a. Mortal agrees not to doubt God’s omnipotence despite God’s inability to: prevent evil; produce clear, succinct scripture; reboot without genocide; provide decent evidence of his existence; create an obstacle that he cannot overcome; convert Saul of Tarsus before he killed all those Christians; do something about bad haircuts; save souls without a blood sacrifice; maintain a respectable distance between reproductive and eliminative organs; and create human bodies that are not susceptible to aging, disease, backaches, choking on food, and poor taste in music.

5. Mortal agrees to worship only God, despite the availability of way cooler gods (e.g., Dionysus, Eros, Elvis). Mortal understands that worshipping other gods may incur severe consequences, including but not limited to pestilence, plague, and death, for which Mortal agrees to hold God harmless.

5a. God reserves the right to mete out death by the hand of his servants.

5b. God’s servants may circumcise adult male victims prior to killing them for the sheer joy of being mean.

Article II

Admittance to Heaven

1. Mortal’s admittance to Heaven is contingent upon subscribing to the true religion, which Mortal is solely responsible for identifying.

1a. Mortal may have a post-death shot at the true religion if the Mormons are right.

2. Mortal understands and accepts that God will not provide useful evidence of the true religion and that the odds of finding or growing up in the true religion are infinitesimally small.

3. Heaven is a place where everyone sits around singing praises to God without cease, which Mortal understands will probably make Heaven annoying as hell.

4. Although Hell is a place of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, Mortal understands and accepts that, thanks to the society of fellow damned Mortals and no praise-singing, Hell stands a better chance than Heaven of being heavenly.

5. Notwithstanding Sections 3 and 4 of this Article, Mortal agrees to want to go to Heaven.

6. God encourages pronouncing the g in gnashing.

6a. He thinks it’s funny.

Article III

Inspiration from Above

Mortal is responsible for knowing the difference between God’s promptings and: coincidence; hallucination; delusion; wishful thinking; weed; and feeling horny.

Article IV

For the Love of God

1. Notwithstanding all appearances to the contrary, God loves all Mortals.

2. Mortals damn well better love God back.

2a. Or they can go to Hell.

2ai. Mortal accepts that love by order and threat is a thing.

2aii. Any resemblance to abusive relationships is purely coincidental.

Article V

Damage Control

1. Should God’s representatives be caught misbehaving, priority shall be given to controlling exposure by means of but not limited to: trivializing; denying; lying; victim blaming; bullying; legal maneuvering; bribing; extorting; and/or transferring apprehended representatives.

2. No priority shall be given to helping victims heal, except to the extent that the appearance of seeking to make amends may reduce exposure.

3. Should God’s representatives misbehave but avoid detection, such misbehavior shall be deemed not to have occurred.

Article VI

Money

1. Mortal’s money belongs to God.

1a. Never mind that Jesus can pull money from a fish or that anyone who can make wine from water can make cash from air.

1b. The love of money is the root of all evil.

1bi. Unless you’re God.

1c. You should thank God for taking your money. Blessed are the poor, remember?

Article VII

Mysterious Ways

1. God’s ways are mysterious

1a. Most of the time, God’s ways won’t make sense to Mortals.

1ai. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be mysterious, now would they?

2. What God does is de facto moral.

2a. Take that, Midianites, Job, enslaved persons, women, chosen people, not-chosen people, Ark steadiers, and children eaten by bears for teasing a bald guy.

2b. Or not 2b. That is the question.

Article VIII

Divine Intervention

1. God intervenes in Mortal’s daily life.

1a. Like that time you found the car keys after you prayed.

1b. Or like the fact that you have food to eat.

1bi. That’s why you say grace.

1bii. Never mind the millions of malnourished and starving people throughout the world (see this Article, Paragraph 2).

2. When God doesn’t intervene, assume he is doing his Mysterious Ways thing (see Article VII).

3. All good things come from God.

4. All bad things are: the work of the devil; the direct result of Mortals’ misuse of agency; or the Mysterious Ways thing again.

5. Signs, wonders, and miracles follow those who believe.

5a. But unless you want Jesus to call you wicked and adulterous, don’t expect signs, wonders, or miracles.

6. This Article is null and void if you’re a deist.

Article IX

Severability

If any provision of this Agreement is determined to be invalid, illegal, or unenforceable (e.g., if Hillary Clinton and the deep state prevent God’s servants from committing murder under the terms of Article I, Paragraphs 5a and 5b of this Agreement), said provision shall be deemed severed from this Agreement, and the remainder of this Agreement shall remain in force.

Article X

Misc.

1. Fourteen angels can dance on the head of a pin.

1a. Fifteen, if they’re skinny.

1b. The whole head-of-a-pin thing started with a dare that didn’t end well. That is why angels are no longer allowed in bars.

2. Adam had a bellybutton.

3. Eve didn’t.

4. God is not circumcised.

4a. Only one mohel was dumb enough to try. You don’t want to know.

Steve Cuno

Steve Cuno is the author of Behind the Mormon Curtain: Selling Sex in America’s Holy City and the as-told-to author of the Joanne Hanks memoir, “It’s Not About the Sex” My Ass: Confessions of an Ex-Mormon Ex-Polygamist Ex-Wife.” In his spare time, he enjoys playing his piano, walking his dogs, forcing people to look at photos of his grandchildren, and using Oxford commas.