Having read the stories that religious people invent to make themselves feel better, I realized that atheists do not have similar made-up stories to make us feel better. Here is my vision of what the afterlife might be for nonbelievers.
The next time someone says to you, “You can go to Hell,” the correct response is a sincere “Thank you.”
What can you expect when you get there? I don’t know. Indeed, no one knows because no one has visited there and returned to write a travelogue. People who have “near-death” experiences never report seeing flames and smelling sulfurous fumes, so I must conclude that all of them were getting a glimpse of Heaven. (They probably were not in God’s favor or they would not have been sent back to try again.) Apparently, heathens do not have near-death experiences. Perhaps they go directly to Hell without passing Go. Because I am a skeptic, I will attempt to use logic and reason to deduce what Hell may be like. Commonly, Hell is believed to exist deep in the earth and to be very hot. Foolish scientists have failed to show the location of Hell on their cross sections of the earth. This just points out how little scientists know about God’s creation compared to those who study sacred texts.
Is Hell hot? Hell, yes! Is that bad? Hell, no! Some people today actually choose to live in Florida, which at times can be hot as Hell. What do they do? Go into the air conditioning. Is there air conditioning in Hell? Logic would say yes! Hell has heat, heat yields energy, energy yields work, and this can run air conditioners. Where did these air conditioners come from? They were manufactured in Hell. Since Hell is deep in the earth, there is an abundance of minerals. I am sure there are a hell of a lot of scientists and engineers in Hell. The equation is simple. Minerals plus work (from heat) plus engineers equals air conditioners. Isn’t science wonderful?
But won’t the devil torture you? Probably not. Think about this logically. God threw Satan out of Heaven. They obviously don’t like each other. Aside from a few friendly wagers, like in the case of Job, they don’t seem to have much contact with each other. Satan seems to want to get people on his side. (God, on the other hand, seems to do everything possible to make it hard for people to be accepted by him.) It seems reasonable that if you become one of Satan’s minions, he will treat you well. Maybe then word will get out and he will get even more followers. Perhaps someone will even write an article in Free Inquiry about how nice Hell really is.
Consider this: If God is displeased with you and doesn’t want to see your face around Heaven, he sends you to Hell to be punished. Will Satan punish you? Hell, no! Do you think Satan would willingly do the work of the god who banished him? That doesn’t make sense. Satan will probably be very nice to you just to piss God off!
Hell is much more picturesque and pleasant than Heaven. Hell has deep, rich colors. Heaven has blue sky and white clouds. An eternity of blue and white may seem nice to some Penn Staters, but it’s going to get boring just partway through eternity. In Hell, the senses are stimulated. You can feel the rocks and smell the earth. Air and clouds are not very tactilely stimulating, and I have never heard anyone talk about the smell of Heaven. Then there is the smell of chocolate chip cookies freshly baked in the hot crevices of Hell. Where can you bake chocolate chip cookies in Heaven? You probably have to eat manna in Heaven, because that’s all God seemed to have to give the Israelites on their travels. I am not sure what manna tastes like, but somehow I figure it is like unflavored tofu. I am sure Hell is filled with hot tubs and saunas for you to enjoy.
What about sounds? Besides the sound of engineers making air conditioners, there will be music. In Heaven, there will be choirs, harps, and church music. In Hell, there will be any kind of music that was ever considered sinful. Beyond the obvious jazz, rock and roll, and so forth, some good God-fearing people considered any music sinful, so I am sure you will hear Bach and Handel as well.
What about entertainment? In heaven you get to contemplate the glory of God. That might be fun for an hour or two, but for eternity? In Hell, anything goes. You could even lose your shirt gambling, assuming you wore a shirt in the heat.
The Pennsylvania Dutch (Germans) have a song that goes, “In Heaven there is no beer, that’s why I drink it here.” If you like beer, or for that matter any alcoholic beverages, don’t go to Heaven, go to Hell. There is plenty of heat to run stills. Satan may even show up at your secular humanist bash. I can’t imagine God ever going to a party.
What if you don’t like alcoholic beverages but instead prefer tea? Let’s look at the science of this. With increasing altitude, the boiling point of water decreases. Way up in Heaven, you will probably never be able to make a decent cup of hot tea. You call that Heaven? In Hell, hot water is everywhere, and you can have great tea to your heart’s content.
Who might you be able to converse with in Hell? There are a lot of interesting souls in Hell, such as Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Susan B. Anthony, Mark Twain, and the like, and you have eternity to meet them all. In Heaven you might meet Billy Graham or Oral Roberts. Big whoop!
So what are the population demographics of Hell? That is hard to know and is very confusing. Certainly there will be atheists, agnostics, skeptics, freethinkers, humanists, pagans, Satanists, witches, etc. There will also be God-fearing people who just didn’t make the grade to get into Heaven. Getting into Heaven is actually very difficult because the rules are kind of nebulous. First, there are so many religions to choose from, and if you make the wrong choice or the wrong choice was made for you by your parents, you are in big trouble. If you are lucky enough to get the choice of religion right, you may find your holy text contradictory, as in the case of the Bible. Because there is only one right answer, if you choose the wrong one you go to Hell. You may wonder why God does that. I certainly don’t know. Perhaps it is to keep the population of Heaven under control. Perhaps the clouds can only support so many souls.
You never know who you are going to run into in Hell until you get there. If the Catholics are right, Hell will be full of Protestants. If the Muslims are right, all Christians will be there. Hell might actually be very crowded. I am guessing that true good Christians, such as those who ran the Inquisition and killed people in the Crusades, will be in Heaven—much to the delight of those in Hell. Inquisitors, Crusaders, and Jihadists; Heaven doesn’t sound all that great to me. (Jihadists are probably going to be disappointed when they find out that the only virgins in heaven are saints and nuns.)
Catholics are a special problem for God. God decided that Catholics should be sent to purgatory (a fancy word for Hell) before going to Heaven. I don’t know any Catholics who are good enough to skip this part. Do you? Anyway, when Catholics get to Hell and see how great it is, they won’t want to go to Heaven. I wonder if there are any Catholics in heaven besides Saints.
If you are one of those who do not believe in Heaven and Hell, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised to awake after death in Hell.